Aaaarrrrrgh! Feb 18, 2018 time 11:31 am
It keeps nagging at me. I keep feeling guilty.
I’m coming to work and it’s flexible, I’m getting paid, my boss is okay, I’m gaining some experience, I’m helping people get better (by giving them advice and medication for their ailment) but I still don’t feel fulfilled.
I feel bad that I’m not enjoying the work. I keep thinking “Do you know how many people want what you have?” “and think about it, this is a very okay place… It’s very close to your house, you work short hours, your boss is understanding, you’re gaining experience (regarding drugs and retail Pharmacy), you’re getting paid. You’re still at home when you child comes home and when your husband gets back… What else do you want? What else are you looking for?”
I’ll break it down. Here is what I want…
I want to work from my home. I want to know that I don’t have to go out to work everyday. I’ll go out when I want…I’m at home to manage my time how I want (I know I might not be productive because of the environment but I am working on that).
Having to go to work outside everyday just doesn’t sit well with me. It’s my personal feeling. It might just be that I’m not as passionate about it as I think I should be… I mean other pharmacists seem okay with it and are doing it. I shouldn’t be looking at them right? I know.
I’m not against working or even working outside your home as a woman / mother, do what works for you. As long as you’re happy, contented and following the Islamic guidelines then Alhamdulillah, enjoy!
I feel as if having a pharmacy in my house or next door to my house (think a Pharmacy shop as part of the house) then I won’t mind as much. Yes I’ll still be required to stay in the Pharmacy but it’s in my house.
I also feel I’ll be more comfortable working outside of the home if my children were grown-up or a lot older. I have very young children at the moment and I want to enjoy their childhood, be present with them (not that you can’t be when you work away from home, it’s just me).
I want to dress up for my hubby, see him off to work, memorize some lines of Qur’an, reflect on the words of the Qur’an, cook delicious meals, blog or do some work online, do some arabic lessons, read some pages of a book, write in my journal, call my mum and girlfriends, crochet some baby hats, get on the sewing machine, welcome hubs with open arms and a smile…you get the jist…
I’ll tell you how I think about it, which isn’t being productive for me:
I think “You know you might make use of it in future. It’s not a waste. You might want to open your own place. This experience will come in handy then. Is it that you want to wait till when you’re ready (when your children are grown) that you’ll start learning about the Community Pharmacy practice and how to manage it?”
I also think maybe I should just go into academics. I didn’t know what I’ll do my masters on but now I know. I want it to be in Biochemistry or Immunology. I love clinical pharmacy too. I want immunology coz I’m interested in the immune system and it’s relation to how allergies occur. I have a son with allergies therefore this is very relevant to me. It would mean a lot to me to make a significant discovery or contribution in this field. There are a lot more cases of children with allergies and asthma and it just seems to be on the rise.
Today Sat. 3rd March, 2018. Time is 7:37 pm.
As I read through the above I ask myself: “Is this what you really want to do? Open a community pharmacy?”
To answer I’d say “well, maybe.. I can have a community pharmacy and do what I want: raise awareness about sunnah and alternative medicine, healthy eating and lifestyle, chit-chatting with clients/ patients about deen, beautiful reflections and anything health.
This leads me to the question : “What do I really want to do? What am I passionate about (I know some people don’t like the word or don’t like to use it but it’s serving it’s purpose here). I think about what I’m passionate about as something I can talk about non-stop for hours…something I’m always excited to share and talk about it…
I would love to learn and practice Hijama. Hijama is cupping.
I’m also passionate about healthy wholesome food, healthy lifestyles, positive mindsets, learning real Islam and applying it in my day to day life.
I also love psychology and education.
I have a lot of interests and you’ll see evidence of it throughout my writings as time goes on in shaa Allah.
Having multiple passions leads me to get stuck so many times. Just choosing what to focus on or what to prioritize first makes me anxious (mild) but I’m working on it Alhamdulillah. I’m rediscovering myself, journaling and being kind to myself… taking things one step at a time… making dua to Allah… praying istikhara…
P.S. I wrote the post in parts as you can see from the dates, and wanted to keep it that way. (Friday, 29th Nov. 2019) 22:12